Counting.

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The counting went like this: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, extra – it went – one, two, three, four, extra – and finished with – one, two, three, four, five, six, extra, seven, eight, extra, benediction.

This was for everything in full. The pattern could be varied according to circumstance.

For example, if one had been at home all evening long, one might simply count one, two, three, four, benediction and be done. But if one had been riding the subway for long stretches of time, out to remote parts of the city, the counting would be in full. So similarly for having exercised – especially for having exercised.

Naturally it could get worse. Under certain circumstances a different set of counting was to be warranted, in addition to the full set. That sort of counting would go like this

One, two, three, four
Two, two, three, four
Three, two, three, four
Four, two, three, four

and would repeat itself in sets of four, on both sides, insofar as it seemed necessary due to the situation. This particular kind of counting one would frequently find frustrating, for it was easy simply to continue the patterns in sets of four and never to be fully satisfied. Always the repetition, over and over, and never any obvious sort of progress.

And that was the function of the benediction. For, if it seemed reasonable to do so, the extra could be dropped off the end of each part of the original set (viz. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight; one, two, three, four; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, benediction). But the benediction could never be left off. It signaled the end of the counting: after it, there was to be no more. And so the add-on pattern (i.e., the four sets of four) would have to cease, too. The benediction made both the end and the relief.

Imagine the state of this, if you will. Imagine all the numbers of which one must think, over the course of one’s life, or at least for the duration of the illness. Imagine the restlessness. It is an easy thing to visualize but a hard thing with which to empathize.

I confess that sometimes I feel fine after having reached the first four of the counting. Nevertheless I continue because it is in my nature to do so.

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